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The
Adventures of Chevron Guy
Part 1: The Surprise Party
All: 'SURPRISE!'
Me: 'Oh guys! You shouldn't have'(This wasn't some vague attempt at modesty,
the last thing I wanted to do was eat some of Major Carters foul Carrot Cake.
you could actually see the carrots, ah well maybe this year she won't have made
one.)
Sam: 'We made you a cake!'
Me: 'Oh.thank you, oooh
carrot how. delightful' (to add insult to injury the
cake is shaped and decorated like a chevron - why does everyone think I'm
obsessed with chevrons? It's just a small part of a very important job I do. oh God now they're singing)
All: 'Happy birthday to you'
All: 'Happy birthday to you'
All: 'Happy birthday toooooo...'
Daniel: 'Norman'
Jack: 'Walter'
Teal'c: 'Airman'
Sam: 'Chevron Guy'
All: 'Happy birthday to yooooou'
(Oh brother)
Part 2:Love
Machine
Major Carter: 'Airman have you seen General Hammond?'
Me: No Mam, but I think he may be in the infirmary
(she is SO checking me out, lucky I wore sexy new blue shirt today and my tight
black trousers that make my butt look irresistible. the ladies love it)
Major Carter: Ah right, well could you help me with something while you're
here?
Me: Anything for you sweet cheeks (CRAP, I can't believe I just said that, I
meant to think it. Quick think of some brilliant cover
up, or maybe she didn't notice.)
Major Carter: Excuse me? (I guessed she noticed)
Me: You're excused (way to go get yourself fired)
Major Carter: What did you say before?
Me: I didn't say anything (that's it, make it look like she's the one with the
problem - hearing things, crazy lady)
Major Carter: Ok. Well could you just bring up the data on this gate address?
Me: (Sure thing Sweet Cheeks - that time I manage just to think it (I'm not
suicidal)). Yes Mam. (God MC is HOT when she's mad.
and when she smiles. and when she breathes. ok pull yourself together - this
may be the only chance you get to impress her with your vast intelligence) I
engage the chevrons (and then I smile like a goon--- way to go dumbarse)
Major Carter: That's. nice, must be a errr challenging job
Me: Oh it is (wait is she mocking me? She better not be
mocking me! I don't like to be mocked! Nothing makes a Chevron guy madder than
someone mocking his chevron encoding skills... no no
this is MC she's nice she would never mock anyone, she must be genuinely
interested --my chances are looking up)
Colonel O'Neill: Hey Carter, Airman (Oh bugger not him. stupid, arrogant,
thinks he's so great just because he's Colonel, please like its that hard)
Me: Sir (I manage to give a respectful nod)
Colonel O'Neill: So Carter what are you up to? (Is he hitting on her? He's
hitting on my chick. I don't believe it. Not that MC and me are involved but
the attraction is blatant. Well her attraction to me is - I on the other hand
am far more subtle)
Major Carter: We were just looking up some information on P3X259 (We were? Oh
yeah I'd better actually do that)
Colonel O'Neill: Sounds like fun
Me: Yeah its great (he's just jealous because she's spending time with me,
everyone knows she won't give him the time of day. loser)
Colonel O'Neill: Carter you wana grab some breakfast?
Major Carter: Sure Sir (she turns to me) can you finish doing this and I'll
meet up with you later
Me: Yes Mam (Oh she's saying meet up to talk chevrons
but we both know what she really means - Sorry Colonel but MC is mine)
Major Carter: Ok, see you later
Me: Sure thing toots (though I waited for her to get out of hearing distance
before adding 'toots'. ah life is good, MC wants me and as long as I don't have
to eat any of her carrot cake I'll settle for being her boyfriend)
Part 3: Just another day at the
office
Me: Chevron one encoded (here we go again. I can't
believe I'm part of the biggest project in the history of Earth and my most
important job is. this. People actually think I'm only
interested in chevrons - it is SO annoying (although it was interesting to
watch General Hammond try to mime a chevron that time we played Charades.))
Me: Chevron two encoded (General Hammond is standing right behind
Me: Chevron. three encoded (Ok I admit I was reeeeeeally tempted but I chickened out at the last second.hmm I wonder what he would have said. 'Excuse me
Airman but I believe you've forgotten how to count' shove it fatso)
Me: Chevron four engaged (thought I'd add a bit of variety)
Me: (in my innocent-as-an-angel voice) Yes Sir?
Me: Yes Sir (Oh please how could that confuse things?)
Me: Chevron . errr five ENCODED (I say the last word
extra loud for good measure so he can't accuse me of anything, he never lets us
have any fun round here. I wonder if he notice that little pause when I nearly
forgot what number I was doing, I hope he didn't he'd probably give this job to
someone else. like Simmons. Grrr
I hate that guy - sometimes he gets to engage the chevrons and then boy do I
get jealous. Once I slipped laxatives into his coffee so he had to rush out in
the middle of 'chevron six' it was hilarious! - Well I laughed and
Me: Chevron six encoded (hehe I said this one in a
French accent which was quite exciting. I'm considering doing the next one in
my best Teal'c impression. hmm have just tried
cocking head and raising eyebrow but its actually impossible (it achieved me a
few odd looks from General Hammond though) so I think I'll give that idea a
miss. Hmmm the last chevron is taking agggggges to
encode, it always does, I think its to increase the suspense or something, hehe bet I can make Georgie Porgie panic.)
Me: Sir! Sir!
Part 4: A Jolly Holiday
Me: (!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to go through the stargate!!!
I've been here 7 years and finally they're going to let me go through. I've
asked before but Georgey's always making excuses
'When you're older', 'when you stop putting super-glue on Simmon's
chair (he started it)', 'when you stop stalking Major Carter (I still maintain
that she followed me into the women's changing room)' anyway the excuses are
endless. But now he's decided that everyone on the base should have to go
through it at least once in case of an emergency evacuation, so lucky lucky me gets to go through the gate with SG1 (mmmm MC). We drew lots from a hat to see which team we get
to go with but I reckon MC rigged it so we could be together)
Me: Yes Sir (Oh crap I need to pack!)
Colonel'General-Hammond's-favourite'O'Neill: All
ready to go Airman? (He gives this stupid smug 'look at me I'm a Colonel'
smile)
Me: Yes Sir (Bite me. I shoot a seductive look at MC but she's busy fiddling
with her backpack. ah well sure we will have plenty of
times to be 'alone')
Colonel'keeps-eyeing-up-my-chick'O'Neill: Let go (he
steps through the stargate)
MC: Come on Airman (I stand by the big blue shimmering opening, and for a
second I actually think I'm going to wet myself (no please not again and not in
front of MC). This is the closest I've ever been to the stargate
when it's activated and its soooo scary. Now I like
to think I'm a pretty hard man, I was nicknamed 'the brave one' out of the
Chevron encoding team because I stole Georgey's
sandwich (you should have heard him roar) but this is a joke, there is no way
I'm stepping through that)
Me: Erm. Major
MC: Come on, its easy (she flashes me a killer smile and steps through. well if
she's going then I'm sure as hell not gona leave her
alone with Colonel'Cant-keep-his-hands-to-himself'O'Neill.
Ok deep breath. )
Me: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW (I'm gona
die, I'm gona die, I'm gona
die) ARGHHHHH!!! (And I hit the floor with a giant THWACK!)
Teal'c: Are you ok Chevron Man? (He offers me a hand, I consider yelling 'I have a name! But decided it was
unwise to anger a Jaffa)
Daniel Jackson: Jack I'm just going to go check out those stone symbols we saw
on our last trip (he is such a geek, I was slightly worried he might try to
steal my woman but now I see there's no way anyone would like stupid rock boy)
Me: Pah! Rocks! (I'm so cool,
I'm even wearing my hat backwards, the epitome of coolness, unlike Daniel with
his hankie on his head. like that's still cool)
Colonel'there's-not-a-brown-hair-on-my-head'O'Neill:
Ok, We'll move on to the Beta site and check in with the guys there
Me: Major Carter do you think we should hold hands so
we don't get lost? (She can be my travel buddy)
MC: I don't think that will be necessary Airman (but you can tell she wants it)
Me: Ah I understand, we don't want HIM to get jealous (I give her a wink, but
she just walks away. I love girls who play hard to get. I decided to stay quite
while we walked out of the cave and toward a clearing)
Colonel'I-use-sarcasm-as-a-defence-mechanism'O'Neill:
Ok Carter, this spot good enough for you?
MC: Yes Sir, it looks perfect, I'll get started right away (she's using some
complicated instrument and sticking it into the ground and taking readings. She
looks really hot when she's concentrating)
Me: What are you doing?
MC: Taking some soil samples to check whether this planet will be suitable to
re-home the people of P3X234
Me: I see (Soil sample?!?!?!? What the hell is that! SG1 are supposed to do the
top important stuff and now they're taking soil samples! Oh yeah because that's
really going important. Why don't they give that job to some incompetent group
like SG12 rather than wasting the talents of MC, Daniel and Teal'c!
When are we actually going to see some action?) Erm. when
are we going to fight some bad guys? (Lame I know but this is SG1 something
always happens to them even on routine missions)
MC: Afraid not going to be any bad guys on this trip, maybe next time (she's
patronising me, I can tell. I HATE it when people do that, just because she's
on the SGC's flagship team and I only engage the chevrons doesn't mean I'm any less intelligent or brave than
her!)
KABOOM!!!!
Me: Argh!!!!!!! (I admit it I ran and screamed like a
girl)
Colonel'I-secretly-fancy-nerdy-Daniel'O'Neill: Get
down! (I'm way ahead of him, with reflexes as quick as a cat I'm curled up in a
tight ball behind a rock)
MC: It's a patrol of
Colonel'Angrey-coz-he's-the-dense-one-in-SG1'O'Neill: How many can you see?
MC: At least 10 and I think there are some more in the trees!
Colonel'wearing-a-hat-makes-my-ears-stick-out'O'Neill:
Ok, lets make a run for it back to the stargate
MC: (to me) Ok Airman we're going to make a run to the stargate
ok?
Me: OK (I'm going to be sick - there are hundreds of them! I haven't been this
scared since that Halloween trick Simmons played on me last year) Ahhhhhhhh!!!! (I don't know why, but it makes me feel better
to scream my head off while running)
MC: (into her Walkie-Talkie) Sir we made it
Colonel'my-voice-is-too-deep-and-sexy'O'Neill: Me and
Teal'c will be right there, Daniel there?
MC: Yes Sir (He's still looking at rocks.. dork)
Me: They're here (Colonel'grey-hair-is-NOT-distinguishing'O'Neill
and Teal'c are standing at the opening of the cave
where the stargate is keeping off the
MC: Erm Airman this really isn't the time
Me: But it helps me keep calm (Before I could carry on my chevron counting the Stargate 'wooshed' into action)
Me: We made it! (All of us, stupid Colonel'doesn't-know-how-to-get-himself-
killed'O'Neill. I think that's enough gate travel for
me - far too terrifying. No I think I'd rather go back to engaging chevrons and
working in the control room where the most exciting thing that happens is when Georgey thinks he's found a hair on his head.no
one has the heart to tell him it's a shadow)
The End